I am so confused and hurt. I wanted to hate him for the rest of my life. I was perfectly content to hate him. They say there is a fine line between love and hate; and I dont think there is a line at all; I think its more like less than a strand of hair.
He is so very sick. He could die. And for all of the nights I cried myself to sleep and begged god to kill the fucker; now when he very really and truly could be dying; I am lost and worried and dont want him to die.
I am back to living my life one moment at a time. I am on a roller coaster of emotions and I FUCKING HATE THAT. I want to be numb. I just dont want to feel anything.
I wont go there though. It worse than anything I have ever done. Drugs will kill me and my life will go back to meaning less than nothing.
I want my big brother to be here for me; but his dumb ass is clear across the united states cuz he cant keep his lame ass out of trouble. I feel like a fool.
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