Pattiglolt

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

For all the Kickass Women in My Life... and Beyond...

Those that are, and those that are growing up to be.

The daughters. The mothers. The sisters.

The fribblings – friends like siblings.

The wives. The girlfriends.

The aunts. The nieces.

The grand-somethings.

The young uns. The teens.

The women in my life.

Who love, lose, cry.

Laugh, heal, thrive.

Nurture. Create.

You. Are. Amazing. As. you. are.

Stronger than you know.

More beautiful than you think.

Worthier than you believe.

More loved than you can ever imagine.

Passionate about making a difference.

Fiery when protecting those you love.

Learning. Growing. Not alone.

Warm. Giving. Generous.

Quirky. Sexy. Funny. Smart.

Flawed. Whole. Scared. Brave.

And so, so, so much more.

Be Strong. Be Confident. Be You.

I've become my own friend.

Some very true words to ponder.....I hope you enjoy.

As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon, before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the,70, 80 & 90's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. Y ou care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like getting older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. But while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

Food For Thoughts (Good reading that grabbed my heart)

eptember 29, 2012 at 9:16am

“It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”

― Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Temper Control (Author Unknown)... a short story to ponder upon... Hope you enjoy!

Once upon a time there was a little boy who was talented, creative, handsome, and extremely bright. A natural leader. The kind of person everyone would normally have wanted on their team or project. But he was also self-centered and had a very bad temper. When he got angry, he usually said, and often did, some very hurtful things. In fact, he seemed to have little regard for those around him. Even friends. So, naturally, he had few. “But,” he told himself, “that just shows how stupid most people are!”

As he grew, his parents became concerned about this personality flaw, and pondered long and hard about what they should do. Finally, the father had an idea. And he struck a bargain with his son. He gave him a bag of nails, and a BIG hammer. “Whenever you lose your temper,” he told the boy, “I want you to really let it out. Just take a nail and drive it into the oak boards of that old fence out back. Hit that nail as hard as you can!”

Of course, those weathered oak boards in that old fence were almost as tough as iron, and the hammer was mighty heavy, so it wasn’t nearly as easy as it first sounded. Nevertheless, by the end of the first day, the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence (That was one angry young man!). Gradually, over a period of weeks, the number dwindled down. Holding his temper proved to be easier than driving nails into the fence! Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He felt mighty proud as he told his parents about that accomplishment.

“As a sign of your success,” his father responded, “you get to PULL OUT one nail. In fact, you can do that each day that you don’t lose your temper even once.”

Well, many weeks passed. Finally one day the young boy was able to report proudly that all the nails were gone.

At that point, the father asked his son to walk out back with him and take one more good look at the fence. “You have done well, my son,” he said. “But I want you to notice the holes that are left. No matter what happens from now on, this fence will never be the same. Saying or doing hurtful things in anger produces the same kind of result. There will always be a scar. It won’t matter how many times you say you’re sorry, or how many years pass, the scar will still be there. And a verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. People are much more valuable than an old fence. They make us smile. They help us succeed. Some will even become friends who share our joys, and support us through bad times. And, if they trust us, they will also open their hearts to us. That means we need to treat everyone with love and respect. We need to prevent as many of those scars as we can.”

A most valuable lesson, don’t you think? And a reminder most of us need from time to time. Everyone gets angry occasionally. The real test is what we DO with it.

If we are wise, we will spend our time building bridges rather than barriers in our relationships.

~ Author Unknown

Open letter to all the"bad parents"!

Open letter to all the"bad parents"!

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my wicked parents told me: I loved you enough to ask you here you were going, with whom, and when you'd be back at home.

I loved you enough to be patient until you discovered that your new best friend or your big buddy was a creep. I loved you enough to stay standing there in the doorway for two hours while you cleaned your room, what should have taken 15 minutes as a matter of principle!

I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents are not perfect. I loved you enough to let you assume responsibility for your action seven when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But above all, I loved you enough to say NO even when I knew you would hate me for it. These were the most difficult battles of all. I am happy to have won, because in the end, you've won too. And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates 'mean'' parents, tell them: Your parents, were they mean?

Mine were. I had the meanest parents in the world! While other kids ate candy for lunch, I had to have cereal, eggs, and vegetables. When others had Coke and hamburgers for dinner, I had to eat meat, cheese, vegetables and fruit. Not to mention all the pancakes and cakes my mom made us. And you can guess that my mother made dinners that were different from those of other children.

My parents insisted on knowing where I was at all times. One would have thought that I was locked in a prison. They had to know who my friends were and what I was doing with them. They insisted that if I said I would be gone for an hour, it was only for an hour or less.

I was ashamed to admit it, but my parents broke the law on the protection of children working on making me work. I had to do the dishes, my bed (the horror!), Learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do my laundry, empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think they woke up at night thinking of new tasks for me to do. They always insisted that I tell the truth, just the truth and nothing but the truth.

When I became a teenager, they could read my mind and had eyes all around their head. Then, life was really tough! My parents would not let my friends just honk the horn when they came to get me. They had come to the door for them to meet. While everyone could have a boy/girlfriend when they were 12 or 13 years, I had to wait to be 16. Because of my parents, I missed a lot of things to other children have experienced.

I've never been arrested for shoplifting, vandalism, alcoholism, or any crime. It was "all their fault. "Now that I've left the house, I am an educated and honest adult. I do my best to be a “mean” parent as my parents were. I think that's what's wrong with the world today. There are not enough mean parents!
So thank you to all the parents who were very mean in our youth to teach us to be mean good people ...

The One Flaw In Women...

I did not write this and do not know who did... but it speaks my heart.

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have the compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

For a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime (Unknown)

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must
build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

TODAY THANK THE PERSON WHO IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER HAVE BEEN PART OF YOUR LIFE
Even if it is a small way you can make them feel that you are indeed thankful for their presence as well as the beautiful moments that they have given - No matter if they are your reason, season, or your lifetime.

A letter from Abraham Lincoln to his son’s head master…

Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the united states of America (1861 – 1865) is one of the world’s great statesmen for all time. Here is a letter written by Abraham Lincoln to the head master of his school in which his son was studying, a letter so typical of the man who bore malice towards none and had charity for all.

He will have to learn, I know, that all men are not just, all men are not true. But teach him also that for every scoundrel there is a hero: that far every selfish politician, there is a dedicated leader…

Teach him that for every enemy there is a friend. It will take time, I know a long time, but teach, if you can, that a dollar earned is of more value then five of found.

Teach him, to learn to lose…And also to enjoy winning. Steer him away from envy, if you can, teach in the secret of quiet laughter.

Teach him, if you can the wonder of books…But also given quiet time wonder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky, bees in the sun, and flowers on the green hillside.

In a school teach him, it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat…

Teach him to have faith in his own idea, even if anyone else tell him they are wrong…

Teach him to be gentle with gentle people and tough with tough.

Teach him to listen to all men…But teach him also to filter all he hears on a screen of truth, and take only the good one that comes through.

Teach him, if you can, how to laugh when he is sad. Teach him there is no shame in tear.

Teach them to sell his brawn and brain to the highest bidder but never to put a prize tag on his heart and soul.

Teach him gently, but do not cuddle him, because only the test of fire makes the fine steel.

Teach him always to have sublime faith in himself because then he will always have some sublime faith in mankind.

This is a big order, but see what can you do… He is such a fine little fellow, my son! Dad”

Cranky Old Man (remember next you meet an older person who you might brush aside)

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM (originally by Phyllis McCormack; adapted by Dave Griffith)

Grief - You aren't doing it right

It's not always easy to run a page that touches on grief and loss. As is the case with anyone walking the grief journey, I'm damed if I do and I'm damed if I don't. One of the cruel ironies of loss is that everyone has an opinion on how it should be done and how you should react to your life changing circumstances.

Loss is a deeply personal and complicated journey we all take in this life, and when a partner is lost so is the future a couple built over the weeks, months, years, and even decades of their togetherness. It's an identity stealer, and the survivor is left trying to figure out what life is without their partner, without 1/2 of their identity, without the future they planned. Regardless of your loss, I can assure you that you are going to upset someone in your life by the way you grieve. For someone, who walks outside the realm of YOUR identity, you won't do it right, and you will let them down

Here is one thing I've learned in my journey - it's their problem and it's not your problem.

When you walk this journey and try to please everyone not on your path, you waste energy you desperately need for your survival. We all know that there is no right or wrong way to live beyond loss, there is only cold numbness followed by sharp pain and deafening loneliness, and endless nights of hoping you wake from the nightmare that has become of your life. Until you've buried someone who means everything to you in this world, you can't fathom the emptiness that follows and the time it takes healing to occur.

So if you are walking the grief journey today be forgiving of yourself and your timeframe, and turn off the noises around you that tell you they offer a better way, a cleaner path, or a quick fix for a broken heart. The only path that works is the path you are on. It will be bumpy, rugged, circular at times, and unforgiving, but it's your path, and eventually it will lead you where you need to go. Allow those who don't understand to stay or go and wish them well on their own journey. It seems nobody gets out of this life without walking the grief path, and when their day comes they will learn what a mountain of grief can look like and why sometimes the best lifeline one can offer is unconditional love and moments of quiet shelter from the storm.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Co-Dependent

What is codependency? What's the definition?

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

•*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.

•*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.

•*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in "toxic relationships", in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they're not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can't get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Taking the power out~ depression continued

Some of the things I feel when I am depressed; for me, i take the power out when I write them down or say them... gets them out of my head... I need them out of my head

I'm just too tired to be strong anymore, I need someone to be strong for me for once.. I wonder if I will ever be someone's #1 priority instead of being last.

you used to be the reason i smiled, & now your the reason i don't.

wonders how much more she has to go thru before things will finally change..

I walk around with a smile on my face, but underneath is the lonely tears that only come out at night after everyone goes to sleep...Praying things get better!

-I cant find the words to express how i feel, so when someone asks are you okay i just say yes because they wouldn't understand.

Just when the wounds are almost healed, somebody comes along and tears them wide open again, forcing you to feel the pain again

People say "Everything happens for a reason." What was this reason? I really wish someone could tell me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Depression

Bipolar disorder or manic-depressive disorder, also referred to as bipolar affective disorder or manic depression, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes. The elevated moods are clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes, or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time.[2] These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood; but, in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, which is known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to such psychotic symptoms as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum.

Data from the United States on lifetime prevalence varies; but it indicates a rate of around 1% for bipolar I, 0.5%–1% for bipolar II or cyclothymia, and 2%–5% for subthreshold cases meeting some, but not all, criteria.[citation needed] The onset of full symptoms generally occurs in late adolescence or young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the person's self-reported experiences, as well as observed behavior. Episodes of abnormality are associated with distress and disruption and an elevated risk of suicide, especially during depressive episodes. In some cases, it can be a devastating long-lasting disorder. In others, it has also been associated with creativity, goal striving, and positive achievements. There is significant evidence to suggest that many people with creative talents have also suffered from some form of bipolar disorder.[3]

Genetic factors contribute substantially to the likelihood of developing bipolar disorder, and environmental factors are also implicated. Bipolar disorder is often treated with mood stabilizing medications and, sometimes, other psychiatric drugs. Psychotherapy also has a role, often when there has been some recovery of the subject's stability. In serious cases, in which there is a risk of harm to oneself or others, involuntary commitment may be used. These cases generally involve severe manic episodes with dangerous behavior or depressive episodes with suicidal ideation. There are widespread problems with social stigma, stereotypes, and prejudice against individuals with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.[4] People with bipolar disorder exhibiting psychotic symptoms can sometimes be misdiagnosed as having schizophrenia, another serious mental illness.[5]

The current term "bipolar disorder" is of fairly recent origin and refers to the cycling between high and low episodes (poles). A relationship between mania and melancholia had long been observed, although the basis of the current conceptualisation can be traced back to French psychiatrists in the 1850s. The term "manic-depressive illness" or psychosis was coined by German psychiatrist Emil Kraepelin in the late nineteenth century, originally referring to all kinds of mood disorder. German psychiatrist Karl Leonhard split the classification again in 1957, employing the terms unipolar disorder (major depressive disorder) and bipolar disorder.

This is one of my "secrets"... and my program teaches me that secrets keep me sick. So, I am writing it here. I fully expect to loose "friends" due to this blog. Every single time I talk about my depression, that is what happens.

Maybe I am writing it to push people away. #Ratbastard walked away after promising never ever to use this against me and to never leave. I don't know which of us is the bigger ass hole; him for making the promise or me for believing it.

I have a doctors appointment on April 18th... I have not seen a doctor or been on meds for over 2 years. I have NEVER been diagnosed with being bi polar; by a psychiatrist. It was my physician and I have been told I am not.... everyone is a doctor these days.

I am running on fear... fuck everything and run~ false evidence appearing real... both at the moment.

I am all over the place and I hate it.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

YES, damn it I am a Co-Dependent!

Is this you?

Twitter is such an amazing "tool" sometimes. I have made some very very good friends...

I have also pissed some people off and that is okay. I dont have to "wear there issues" so to speak. But the anonymous questions and intentional hurtful jabs at me... they get to me sometimes.. It is most definetly my fault for allowing all of my pages to be open. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. As a result; I got the following blog emailed to me with the question... was this written about you?

I wish I could say yes. Did you miss the part about her being a supportive friend and that she is loved by the writer? What you intended to hurt me with ... was really very nice. Yes I am fat. Do you know why? Do you care? Have you asked about the health issues I have that keep me this way?
I Have A Big Fat Friend

One of my best friends is fat. She's really fat. I cannot guess her weight but I know that she cannot buy anything in the mall or standard women's sizing. She’s “point and laugh fat.” She was and is one of the most supportive people to me through all of my illnesses and through my divorce. We’ve been friends for a really long time. Decades.

Her life has been a constant battle of not having as many friends or lovers BECAUSE of her weight. She's very highly educated, smart, creative, and a genuinely good person. She takes good care of her animals and from her photographs I can tell that she's been a very fat person since she was a very little girl.

She's the kind of fat that gets stared at when we walk into stores. But when I hang out with her, all I see is HER. I don't NOTICE her weight because I LOVE HER. But she notices people staring at her and when she points it out I look and I see it too. People mock, they make fat faces, and yes - they are completely cruel.

As a "norm breaking project" once, one of my students once made a video with her boyfriend. In it her straight gender-norm boyfriend dressed as a woman to show the responses people give to people who are DIFFERENT in our society. They had three friends at the mall use professional cameras from the school’s AV equipment and show faces and responses far away. No one knew they were being recorded.

He did nothing but walk to an Orange Julius, buy a drink the way anyone would, bring it out of his "purse" and pay for it. He then sat down and drank it in the mall the way he would anytime. He did nothing, “swishy” or silly or odd. In fact, he was very masculine behaving because he wasn’t actually FEELING like a woman he was just dressed as one.

The camera showed people mocking, staring, laughing. People came up behind him and laughed and pointed. It was STUNNING. Everytime a professor, doctor, nurse, teacher, coach, or "professional" does the same to ANYONE who is different they are essentially reproducing hatred back into our cultural fabric. Refusing to treat trans, or mocking fatties, all of it – ALL OF IT is further justifying bullying, hazing, and all forms of injustice and inequalities at "difference."

As for my fat friend, there has never been a time when I was with her that she wasn't giving back to people in such a lovely way with phone calls, genuine love, and kindness. Her body is weird. The way her mother and father treated her (as the embarrassing fattie of the family) an outsider and all of society has sends a very clear message that this woman with two Master's degrees that she is WORTHLESS and should be mocked and hurt for her difference.

It doesn't matter how much good she has done for me or the world. It doesn't matter even if she saved the world from disaster, I'm sure people would still line up to mock her and cameras would catch it.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

YES I Am a BITCH

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch entails raising my children to be strong people who have a solid sense of personal and social responsibility, who are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in and who love and respect themselves for the beautiful beings they are.
Being a bitch means that I am free to be the wonderful creature that I am, with all my own intricacies, contradictions, quirks and beauty.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. I am proud to be a bitch! It means I have the courage & strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated, and determined. By God, I want what I want, and there is nothing wrong with that!
So, try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed. And, if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Victim vs. Volunteer

The dictionary on line has these definitions

Victim : –noun

1. a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency: a victim of an automobile accident.

2. a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: a victim of misplaced confidence; the victim of a swindler; a victim of an optical illusion.

Volunteer –noun

1. a person who voluntarily offers himself or herself for a service or undertaking.

2. a person who performs a service willingly and without pay.

I REFUSE to be a victim. EVER again. The day my first husband kidnapped; tortured; raped; sodimized; beat; and attempted to kill me.... that day changed me forever.

But am I leaning to hard the other way? What is the middle ground? I am not a victim but am i truly volunteering for all of my distruction?

This is my current battle....

Am I expendable to you?

I was good enough to help you through the rough spots, I was always there when you needed a friend...so now that your life is better, am I not worth your time?

While doing my daily status shuffel thing this morning... I came across this. There are so many people I want to say this to. I am tired of feeling as if I am expendable.

Friday, February 4, 2011

How many tattoo's do you have; of what;and where?

Answer here

Monday, January 31, 2011

Barganing for my life

"i will go to rehab and enter recovery if..."

how many times have we said this? since coming into recovery how many times have we heard others use this excuse? "ifs" are dangerous, manipulative and never work. when you use an "if" you are already placing conditions on your recovery before you even begin. "if" is an excuse, a safety blanket, a bargaining chip many of us used. does it work? almost never and if you do have success using an "if" then when and where is the next "if" coming from? we will get used to placing conditions on our recovery if we are allowed to do so the very first time we come in. there are too many friends and family members, loved ones, out there that are so desperate for some kind of releif for heir addicted that they are willing to accept these conditions we present and they shouldnt. if you have even seen any of the intervention type shows on cable you see these "ifs" being used all the time. sure they show that many of these addicts have success but what they dont show is the failures these same addicts eventually have because their conditions arent being met.

what happens? when we place any condition on our recovery we have already weakened it. what happens if that condition doesnt happen like we want? many of us say "fuck it" and go right back out. we feel either betrayed or shorted and for us thats a good enough reason to give up on recovery. but say our first condition is met. say the wifey stays like we demanded when we entered rehab. we will almost assuredly start making more demands and use our recovery as a weapon to get what we want. "if you dont do 'x' ill relapse..." WE DO THIS. what i tell the concerned people is this... let them relapse. they would have eventually anyway. you cant allow us to use our recovery as a bargaining chip or as a weapon to get what we want. we will run with that shit. then we are doing no work to maintain our recovery because we keep getting what we want anyway. relapse is inevitable anyway. allow us any kind of control and we do more damage before that relapse happens...

when you give us addicts the power to make conditions and bargain with our recovery then you have given up on that addict. sure many of the concerned people want us clean and in their lives but they cant do this with conditions. you cant allow us addicts to have that kind of power and control. anything we place before our recovery we will eventually lose anyway."ifs" are no good, even at the beginning of our journey. if we are allowed to get away wth them then we will keep using them as an excuse and a weapon to get what we want when all along we should be getting what we need instead.

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