Some of the things I feel when I am depressed; for me, i take the power out when I write them down or say them... gets them out of my head... I need them out of my head
I'm just too tired to be strong anymore, I need someone to be strong for me for once.. I wonder if I will ever be someone's #1 priority instead of being last.
you used to be the reason i smiled, & now your the reason i don't.
wonders how much more she has to go thru before things will finally change..
I walk around with a smile on my face, but underneath is the lonely tears that only come out at night after everyone goes to sleep...Praying things get better!
-I cant find the words to express how i feel, so when someone asks are you okay i just say yes because they wouldn't understand.
Just when the wounds are almost healed, somebody comes along and tears them wide open again, forcing you to feel the pain again
People say "Everything happens for a reason." What was this reason? I really wish someone could tell me.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Depression
Bipolar disorder or manic-depressive disorder, also referred to as bipolar affective disorder or manic depression, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes. The elevated moods are clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes, or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time.[2] These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood; but, in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, which is known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to such psychotic symptoms as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum.
Data from the United States on lifetime prevalence varies; but it indicates a rate of around 1% for bipolar I, 0.5%–1% for bipolar II or cyclothymia, and 2%–5% for subthreshold cases meeting some, but not all, criteria.[citation needed] The onset of full symptoms generally occurs in late adolescence or young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the person's self-reported experiences, as well as observed behavior. Episodes of abnormality are associated with distress and disruption and an elevated risk of suicide, especially during depressive episodes. In some cases, it can be a devastating long-lasting disorder. In others, it has also been associated with creativity, goal striving, and positive achievements. There is significant evidence to suggest that many people with creative talents have also suffered from some form of bipolar disorder.[3]
Genetic factors contribute substantially to the likelihood of developing bipolar disorder, and environmental factors are also implicated. Bipolar disorder is often treated with mood stabilizing medications and, sometimes, other psychiatric drugs. Psychotherapy also has a role, often when there has been some recovery of the subject's stability. In serious cases, in which there is a risk of harm to oneself or others, involuntary commitment may be used. These cases generally involve severe manic episodes with dangerous behavior or depressive episodes with suicidal ideation. There are widespread problems with social stigma, stereotypes, and prejudice against individuals with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.[4] People with bipolar disorder exhibiting psychotic symptoms can sometimes be misdiagnosed as having schizophrenia, another serious mental illness.[5]
The current term "bipolar disorder" is of fairly recent origin and refers to the cycling between high and low episodes (poles). A relationship between mania and melancholia had long been observed, although the basis of the current conceptualisation can be traced back to French psychiatrists in the 1850s. The term "manic-depressive illness" or psychosis was coined by German psychiatrist Emil Kraepelin in the late nineteenth century, originally referring to all kinds of mood disorder. German psychiatrist Karl Leonhard split the classification again in 1957, employing the terms unipolar disorder (major depressive disorder) and bipolar disorder.
This is one of my "secrets"... and my program teaches me that secrets keep me sick. So, I am writing it here. I fully expect to loose "friends" due to this blog. Every single time I talk about my depression, that is what happens.
Maybe I am writing it to push people away. #Ratbastard walked away after promising never ever to use this against me and to never leave. I don't know which of us is the bigger ass hole; him for making the promise or me for believing it.
I have a doctors appointment on April 18th... I have not seen a doctor or been on meds for over 2 years. I have NEVER been diagnosed with being bi polar; by a psychiatrist. It was my physician and I have been told I am not.... everyone is a doctor these days.
I am running on fear... fuck everything and run~ false evidence appearing real... both at the moment.
I am all over the place and I hate it.
Data from the United States on lifetime prevalence varies; but it indicates a rate of around 1% for bipolar I, 0.5%–1% for bipolar II or cyclothymia, and 2%–5% for subthreshold cases meeting some, but not all, criteria.[citation needed] The onset of full symptoms generally occurs in late adolescence or young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the person's self-reported experiences, as well as observed behavior. Episodes of abnormality are associated with distress and disruption and an elevated risk of suicide, especially during depressive episodes. In some cases, it can be a devastating long-lasting disorder. In others, it has also been associated with creativity, goal striving, and positive achievements. There is significant evidence to suggest that many people with creative talents have also suffered from some form of bipolar disorder.[3]
Genetic factors contribute substantially to the likelihood of developing bipolar disorder, and environmental factors are also implicated. Bipolar disorder is often treated with mood stabilizing medications and, sometimes, other psychiatric drugs. Psychotherapy also has a role, often when there has been some recovery of the subject's stability. In serious cases, in which there is a risk of harm to oneself or others, involuntary commitment may be used. These cases generally involve severe manic episodes with dangerous behavior or depressive episodes with suicidal ideation. There are widespread problems with social stigma, stereotypes, and prejudice against individuals with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.[4] People with bipolar disorder exhibiting psychotic symptoms can sometimes be misdiagnosed as having schizophrenia, another serious mental illness.[5]
The current term "bipolar disorder" is of fairly recent origin and refers to the cycling between high and low episodes (poles). A relationship between mania and melancholia had long been observed, although the basis of the current conceptualisation can be traced back to French psychiatrists in the 1850s. The term "manic-depressive illness" or psychosis was coined by German psychiatrist Emil Kraepelin in the late nineteenth century, originally referring to all kinds of mood disorder. German psychiatrist Karl Leonhard split the classification again in 1957, employing the terms unipolar disorder (major depressive disorder) and bipolar disorder.
This is one of my "secrets"... and my program teaches me that secrets keep me sick. So, I am writing it here. I fully expect to loose "friends" due to this blog. Every single time I talk about my depression, that is what happens.
Maybe I am writing it to push people away. #Ratbastard walked away after promising never ever to use this against me and to never leave. I don't know which of us is the bigger ass hole; him for making the promise or me for believing it.
I have a doctors appointment on April 18th... I have not seen a doctor or been on meds for over 2 years. I have NEVER been diagnosed with being bi polar; by a psychiatrist. It was my physician and I have been told I am not.... everyone is a doctor these days.
I am running on fear... fuck everything and run~ false evidence appearing real... both at the moment.
I am all over the place and I hate it.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
YES, damn it I am a Co-Dependent!
What is codependency? What's the definition?
There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.
However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.
•*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
•*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
•*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.
As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in "toxic relationships", in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they're not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can't get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.
However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.
•*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
•*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
•*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.
As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in "toxic relationships", in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they're not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can't get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
Is this you?
Twitter is such an amazing "tool" sometimes. I have made some very very good friends...
I have also pissed some people off and that is okay. I dont have to "wear there issues" so to speak. But the anonymous questions and intentional hurtful jabs at me... they get to me sometimes.. It is most definetly my fault for allowing all of my pages to be open. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. As a result; I got the following blog emailed to me with the question... was this written about you?
I wish I could say yes. Did you miss the part about her being a supportive friend and that she is loved by the writer? What you intended to hurt me with ... was really very nice. Yes I am fat. Do you know why? Do you care? Have you asked about the health issues I have that keep me this way?
I Have A Big Fat Friend
One of my best friends is fat. She's really fat. I cannot guess her weight but I know that she cannot buy anything in the mall or standard women's sizing. She’s “point and laugh fat.” She was and is one of the most supportive people to me through all of my illnesses and through my divorce. We’ve been friends for a really long time. Decades.
Her life has been a constant battle of not having as many friends or lovers BECAUSE of her weight. She's very highly educated, smart, creative, and a genuinely good person. She takes good care of her animals and from her photographs I can tell that she's been a very fat person since she was a very little girl.
She's the kind of fat that gets stared at when we walk into stores. But when I hang out with her, all I see is HER. I don't NOTICE her weight because I LOVE HER. But she notices people staring at her and when she points it out I look and I see it too. People mock, they make fat faces, and yes - they are completely cruel.
As a "norm breaking project" once, one of my students once made a video with her boyfriend. In it her straight gender-norm boyfriend dressed as a woman to show the responses people give to people who are DIFFERENT in our society. They had three friends at the mall use professional cameras from the school’s AV equipment and show faces and responses far away. No one knew they were being recorded.
He did nothing but walk to an Orange Julius, buy a drink the way anyone would, bring it out of his "purse" and pay for it. He then sat down and drank it in the mall the way he would anytime. He did nothing, “swishy” or silly or odd. In fact, he was very masculine behaving because he wasn’t actually FEELING like a woman he was just dressed as one.
The camera showed people mocking, staring, laughing. People came up behind him and laughed and pointed. It was STUNNING. Everytime a professor, doctor, nurse, teacher, coach, or "professional" does the same to ANYONE who is different they are essentially reproducing hatred back into our cultural fabric. Refusing to treat trans, or mocking fatties, all of it – ALL OF IT is further justifying bullying, hazing, and all forms of injustice and inequalities at "difference."
As for my fat friend, there has never been a time when I was with her that she wasn't giving back to people in such a lovely way with phone calls, genuine love, and kindness. Her body is weird. The way her mother and father treated her (as the embarrassing fattie of the family) an outsider and all of society has sends a very clear message that this woman with two Master's degrees that she is WORTHLESS and should be mocked and hurt for her difference.
It doesn't matter how much good she has done for me or the world. It doesn't matter even if she saved the world from disaster, I'm sure people would still line up to mock her and cameras would catch it.
I have also pissed some people off and that is okay. I dont have to "wear there issues" so to speak. But the anonymous questions and intentional hurtful jabs at me... they get to me sometimes.. It is most definetly my fault for allowing all of my pages to be open. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. As a result; I got the following blog emailed to me with the question... was this written about you?
I wish I could say yes. Did you miss the part about her being a supportive friend and that she is loved by the writer? What you intended to hurt me with ... was really very nice. Yes I am fat. Do you know why? Do you care? Have you asked about the health issues I have that keep me this way?
I Have A Big Fat Friend
One of my best friends is fat. She's really fat. I cannot guess her weight but I know that she cannot buy anything in the mall or standard women's sizing. She’s “point and laugh fat.” She was and is one of the most supportive people to me through all of my illnesses and through my divorce. We’ve been friends for a really long time. Decades.
Her life has been a constant battle of not having as many friends or lovers BECAUSE of her weight. She's very highly educated, smart, creative, and a genuinely good person. She takes good care of her animals and from her photographs I can tell that she's been a very fat person since she was a very little girl.
She's the kind of fat that gets stared at when we walk into stores. But when I hang out with her, all I see is HER. I don't NOTICE her weight because I LOVE HER. But she notices people staring at her and when she points it out I look and I see it too. People mock, they make fat faces, and yes - they are completely cruel.
As a "norm breaking project" once, one of my students once made a video with her boyfriend. In it her straight gender-norm boyfriend dressed as a woman to show the responses people give to people who are DIFFERENT in our society. They had three friends at the mall use professional cameras from the school’s AV equipment and show faces and responses far away. No one knew they were being recorded.
He did nothing but walk to an Orange Julius, buy a drink the way anyone would, bring it out of his "purse" and pay for it. He then sat down and drank it in the mall the way he would anytime. He did nothing, “swishy” or silly or odd. In fact, he was very masculine behaving because he wasn’t actually FEELING like a woman he was just dressed as one.
The camera showed people mocking, staring, laughing. People came up behind him and laughed and pointed. It was STUNNING. Everytime a professor, doctor, nurse, teacher, coach, or "professional" does the same to ANYONE who is different they are essentially reproducing hatred back into our cultural fabric. Refusing to treat trans, or mocking fatties, all of it – ALL OF IT is further justifying bullying, hazing, and all forms of injustice and inequalities at "difference."
As for my fat friend, there has never been a time when I was with her that she wasn't giving back to people in such a lovely way with phone calls, genuine love, and kindness. Her body is weird. The way her mother and father treated her (as the embarrassing fattie of the family) an outsider and all of society has sends a very clear message that this woman with two Master's degrees that she is WORTHLESS and should be mocked and hurt for her difference.
It doesn't matter how much good she has done for me or the world. It doesn't matter even if she saved the world from disaster, I'm sure people would still line up to mock her and cameras would catch it.
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